So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
