So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
