nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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