another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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