i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
