How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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