I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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