If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
