i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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