Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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