grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
