I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
