You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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