new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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