He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
