I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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