Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
