Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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