i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
