I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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