The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
