Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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