he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
