When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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