i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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