I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
