When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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