make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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