Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize