dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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