I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
