New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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