I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
