she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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