her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
