I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
