Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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