I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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