Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize