i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
