My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
