my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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