I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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