The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
