oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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