FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
