Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are my feet made of real feet?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
