who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i believe in u and ur pee
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
