He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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