She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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