weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
