My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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