the new term for farting is butt boxing.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
