dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
