My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we're making bets on your personal life
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
