Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
