My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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