The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
