If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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