i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
