Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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